This is a ‘whimsical’ page, a list of random thoughts and observations with a common theme.

Some of these ‘people’ appear in my books, some I seem to bump into in my life. They range from silly to serious and every flavour in between.

Have a look and let me know what you think.

1. He’s the type of man who only ever farts when he’s on the toilet. Just in case.
2. He’s the type of man who is a physical and intellectual pudding.
3. He’s the type of man who aims to civilise his body and make savage his mind.
4. He’s the type of man who has spent an eternity searching for a vampire-themed show with protagonists who aren’t young and supernaturally good looking.
5. He’s the type of man who wants to be a ghostwriter so he can pay someone else to write his book.
6. He’s the type of man who occasionally forgets it’s ok to take a piss while he’s having a shower, not a bath.
7. He’s the type of man who ‘takes no intellectual prisoners’ not realising he does so to protect the sanctity of his own ignorance.
8. He’s the type off man who doesn’t belief in proofreaders.
9. He’s the type of man who thinks that sex with his ex counts as time-travel.
10. He’s the type of man who thinks that if hope dies last then common sense dies first.
11. He’s the type of man who believes all the problems with the world come from men not being strong enough but, despite his much vaunted strength, has a string of divorces behind him.
12. He’s the type of man who believes our soft world needs his hard-hitting wisdom, yet when challenged his only response is ‘your mum’ jokes.
13. He’s the type of man who’s letting his own past dictate his future.
14. He’s the type of man who has already rewritten his future to justify his past.
15. He’s the type of man who was taught never to complain and now can do nothing more constructive than moan.
16. He’s the type of man who thinks something is right because he does it rather than doing something because it’s right.
17. He’s the type of man who puts the pain into complaining.
18. He’s the type of man who deliberately keeps a tabs open on his browser so when he finishes the project he can close them all and get a rush of satisfaction.
19. He’s the type of man who would kill another man for doing to his wife what he did to his wife.
20. He’s the type of man who’s so hard on himself in order to make sense of the world he’s cracking from the inside out.
21. He’s the type of man who believes his humanities doctorate gives him intellectual authority over any one less qualified than himself.
22. He’s the type of man whose idea of community spirit is others helping him.
23. He’s the type of man who cannot see a skeleton without commenting that it had ‘worked its fingers to the bone’ and is offended when his family groan.
24. He’s the type of man who thinks slinging on a pair of heels and some killer lippy is showing solidarity with women.
25. He’s the type of man who gets his sexual kicks in the shower with memories of his exes and his right hand.
26. He’s the type of man who thinks that the point of making mistakes is to make them rather than learn from them.
27. He’s the type of man who’s proud his values and principles haven’t progressed beyond the 1950s.
28. He’s the type of man who defines himself by doing the opposite of whatever his predecessor did.
29. He’s the type of man who thinks looking down on people is something to look up to.
30. He’s the type of man who has Plans.
31. He’s the type of man who has let others convince him he will never achieve his potential.
32. He’s the type of man who’s so angry at the world he has forgotten there are people in it he loves.
33. He’s the type of man who believes he’s too old too laugh.
34. He’s the type of man who is puritanical when it comes to sex but a glutton when it comes to violence.
35. He’s the type of man who only stopped watching porn when his daughter started acting in it.
36. He’s the type of man who believes he should be able to behave without restriction or consequence.
37. He’s the type of man who hit middle-age at the same type he realised the dice are always loaded.
38. He’s the type of man that will do what needs to be done even though it is slowly killing him.
39. He’s the type of man who’s won every argument he’s ever had. In his head. At 3am. Lying amidst tanged, sweat-soaked sheets.
40. He’s the type of man who tells his son a job should either pay well or be enjoyable and has ended up with neither.
41. He’s the type of man who believes that bullies and cowards are different. 
42. He’s the type of man who only respects authority so those he considers inferior respect him.
43. He’s the type of man who knows everything about a subject he has no knowledge or experience of.
44. He’s the type of man who is so concerned with dominating the unknown with the known there is no room for doubt, wonder or humility.
45. He’s the type of man who will believe what he’s told to, hate who he’s told to, take what he’s told to, buy what’s expected of him and still claim to be an independent free thinker.
46. He’s the type of man who focusses on the unimportant issues in life because he can’t deal with those things that actually matter.
47. He’s the type of man who is more concerned with fighting someone else’s battles than his own.
48. He’s the type of man who’s happy to sacrifice your children in yet another war so his children have a more comfortable life.
49. He’s the type of man who discovered the gym and deodorant when he first started shaving and the air around him has never been the same since.
50. He’s the type of man who thinks biceps mean personality.
51. He’s the type of man who always manages to be at the right hand side of the highest ranking person in the room whenever someone pulls out a camera.
52. He’s the type of man who believes a sunny personality is a replacement for effort: smile over substance.
53. He’s the type of man who takes pleasure in pissing in the mud of an obstacle course to get at the man behind him without knowing the man in front of him has just shat in the mud he’s about to crawl through.
54. He’s the type of man who’s put a brave face on things for so long he can’t remember the thing he should be scared of is closer than ever.
55. He’s the type of man who has turned a blind eye to things for so long he can’t see the problems he has created.
56. He’s the type of man who wants to waltz his way through a world full of sunshine and rainbows while everyone else patches up the dance floor behind him.
57. He’s the type of man who doesn’t realise that being a useful idiot is only a push away from being a useless idiot.
58. He’s the type of man who doesn’t realise he’s a big man who has convinced himself he’s a small man.
59. He’s the type of man who sends emails in RED BLOCK CAPITAL LETTERS DEMANDING HIS STAFF BE MORE MOTIVATIONAL!!!
60. He’s the man who believes in soft skills but can’t get the name of the person he’s talking to correct.
61. He’s the type of man who thinks graphics, flip charts and a colourful presentation make him an orator.
62. He’s the type of man who has written a book but is too shy to talk about it.
63. He’s the type of man who gets his friend the boss to slap down the other man who failed to address him with his correct title.
64. He’s the type of man who believes someone can learn to communicate by listening to him talk for hours on end.
65. He’s the type of man who believes that we should listen to the experts that agree with him.
66. He’s the type of man who considers frowning a conversation.
67. He’s the type of man who equates academic qualifications with intelligence.
68. He’s the type of man who doesn’t realise that scientists wear lab coats so they can hide more knives beneath them.
69. He’s the type of man who has never heard of, nor would he believe in, Wheaton’s Law. (It’s real. Look it up. Go on. I’ll wait…)
70. He’s the type of man who believe having a microphone makes him right.
71. He’s the type of man who buys his best friend’s wife lingerie for her birthday. (And gets both the colour and size right.)
72. He’s the type of man who has answers but no solutions.
73. He’s the type of man who COOKS. (And Keeps His Knives Sharp.)
74. He’s the type of man who named his daughter after his favourite porn star.
75. He’s the type of man who is always looking for the joke in any conversation.
76. He’s the type of man who runs as if his knees are allergic to his feet.
77. He’s the type of man who serves tomato soup and beetroot juice at a white wedding.
78. He’s the type of man who swindles his children to teach them how the world works.
79. He’s the type of man who leads by someone else’s example.
80. He’s the type of man who believes a country should not be run like a business but is OK if it’s run like an army.
81. He’s the type of man who never served but is an expert on all things in the theatre of war.
82. He’s the type of man who talks in motivational quotes.
83. He’s the type of man who reads Marcus Aurelius.
84. He’s the type of man who still thinks the government works for the voters.
85. He’s the type of man who still believes the media are impartial.
86. He’s the type of man who still believes that facts trump feelings.
87. He’s the type of man who still believes his bank is his friend.
88. He’s the type of man who believes in freedom of speech for everyone but the opposition.
89. He’s the type of man who respects no authority but his own.
90. He’s the type of man who is easy-going as long as he gets his own way.
91. He’s the type of man who mistakes arrogance for confidence.
92. He’s the type of man who calls anyone who disagrees with him a fascist.
93. He’s the type of man who thinks his medical degree makes you stupid.
94. He’s the type of man who lives and dies by his titles.
95. He’s the type of man whose idea of a clever argument consists of ad hominem attacks, ‘whataboutery’ and winning.
96. He’s the type of man who has made more mistakes by trying to do the right thing than anything else.
97. He’s the type of man who has allowed the experts to convince him that his experience is worthless based on their experience.
98. He’s the type of man who starts every sentence with ‘Well, actually…’
99. He’s the type of man who thinks “ya just gotta skwat heavy, brah!”
100. He’s the type of man brainwashed to hate on command.
101. He’s the type of man who can’t pick up a piece of chalk without wanting to throw it at one of his students.
102. He’s the type of man who wants his students to call him by his first name. (And discovers they actually respect him for it.)
103. He’s the type of man who thinks it’s funny to piss into the toilet cistern instead of the bowl and not tell anyone.
104. He’s the type of man who wants a world so sanitised the autumn leaves never get a chance to hit the ground.
105. He’s the type of man who can’t pass a kid their football back without showing off his silky ball skills.
106. He’s the type of man who can’t come to watch his children’s training session without telling them what they’re doing wrong.
107. He’s the type of man who  believes the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few but would not hesitate to save his daughter instead of the rest of her classmates.
108. He’s the type of man who’s a bitter loser and a smug winner.
109. He’s the type of man who Understands The Issue At Stake better than those idiots who disagree with him.
110. He’s the type of man who doesn’t see a forest he sees timber.
111. He’s the type of man who doesn’t see cows but beef.
112. He’s the type of man who doesn’t see women he sees conquests.
113. He’s the type of man can’t stand his bl**dy children f*ck*ng swearing all the b*st*rd time.
114. He’s the type of man who thinks that any handshake that doesn’t leave a bruise is not worth it.
115. He’s the type of man who thinks his responsibilities are providing for and protecting his family and whatever else needs doing for their benefit, such as cooking and cleaning.
116. He’s the type of man who wants his cake and to eat your cake.
117. He’s the type of man whose idea of right and wrong stopped maturing before he had all his adult teeth.
118. He’s the type of man who thinks ‘fair’ is him getting exactly what he wants or nobody else getting what they want.
119. He’s the type of man who doesn’t believe his citizens should be tax-cattle and cannon-fodder, they should also pay for the privilege of being human guinea pigs.
120. He’s the type of man who will inject his eldest child with a badly tested medicine in order to save someone he has never met.
121. He’s the type of man who thinks patronising his employees whilst giving them more work to do is motivating.
122. He’s the type of man who has reached the age when his eyebrows have started arguing with each other.
123. He’s the type of man who’s old enough to need to sit down to put his shoes on rather than kneeling or hopping around on one foot swearing at the other shoe.
124. He’s the type of man at that stage of life when his ears have entered their second puberty: they seem to grow every time he sneezes and don’t hear anything that doesn’t interest them.
125. He’s the type of man who’ll read anything with ‘Special Forces’ in the title.
126. He’s the type of man who only sticks to the speed limit when there’s another car behind him.
127. He’s the type of man who is always 10mph above the speed limit in towns and 10mph below the speed limit on motorways.
128. He’s the type of man who only reads books where the cover features a black and white head shot of a bearded guy looking seriously into the camera.
129. He’s the type of man who is being consumed by his own bitterness.
130. He’s the type of man who knows the grass is greener on the other side of the fence because the neighbours treat it with chemicals that are leeching the life out of the soil and still he wants to move.
131. He’s the type of man who isn’t sure which came first —  the insomnia or the caffeine.
132. He’s the type of man who thinks just about enough knowledge about one thing makes him an expert on all things.
133. He’s the type of man who thinks celebrities should keep their opinions to themselves unless they agree with him.
134. He’s the type of man who has never wondered why organisations claiming to be concerned with public health lie about their test results.
135. He’s the type of man who’s so convinced he’s one of the ‘good guys’ he bribes funds all the media outlets to make sure they never forget it.
136. He’s the type of man who considers calling electrician to change a bulb DIY.
137. He’s the type of man who’s such a cunning hunter he puts boot polish on the lens of his binoculars to reduce the sun’s reflection.
138. He’s the type of man who believes the world owes him everything and he owes nobody anything.
139. He’s the type of man who thinks that because I don’t have his problems I have no problems.
140. He’s the type of man who’s idea of community means other people helping him.
141. He’s the type of man who gets enraged when he can’t find anything on the internet to get enraged about.
142. He’s the type of man who once owned a pair of boxing gloves and now confidently predicts which round boxer A will knock out boxer B in any upcoming title bout.
143. He’s the type of man who has Life Experience. He just Knows.
144. He’s the type of man for whom loyalty and gratitude are a one-way street.